Sometimes I just wish I were.

Sometimes I just wish I were crazy.
Sometimes I just wish I were insane.
Sometimes I just wish I were retarded.
Sometimes I just wish I were brainless.
Sometimes I just wish I were autistic. 

Sometimes I just wish I were deaf.

Sometimes I just wish I were dumb.

Sometimes I just wish I were invisible.

Sometimes I just wish I were alone.

Sometimes I just wish I were dead.

I'm the most happy girl on Earth but I was crying on the bed.

I'm the most ambitious girl on Earth but I was thinking of dying.

Death is no big deal but everyone would be curious of what he or she would die of, wouldn't one? I'm very curious. 

At that moment I wondered, if I were to die at once, I'd be dead of falling off from the chair, banging my head on the wall and crushing my eyes on sharp edges of the tables. There would be a fountain of blood spurting out of the angry, deep cuts. And I would be imagining of how hell or heaven would look like. 

Tears roll down my cheeks. I wonder if there were someone who tastes my tears, he or she would die on the spot. Because these salty liquid that flows out of my eyes are of creation of the utmost helpless pain and believe it or not, I never doubt that it is the tears of toxin. 

I took a deep breath and the exhaled air smelt of agony, affliction and terror. 

I'm not scared of death. But I'm hatred instead. The life that I thought was wonderful was merely a seeming. 

But after the crying for 1 hour, I felt better. But the damp comforter is now of toxin. 

I reminded myself that this was what I looked for. Life's been too perfect. I got bored with the relaxing mood so some knots were created to be resolved. And now I'm sure that I'm alive. Because the feeling has returned. The feeling of pain. Of disgust. And of hatred.  

I'm 19 and matured

Mum, dad, you have to trust me.
I trust myself.

Com' on, I'm not going out with anyone. Because I can't go out with someone who isn't interested in girls. Yes, you're right. He's not heterosexual. Okay, you know what I mean. But I'm so sorry I can't tell you guys first. Well to me it's nothing big but to me...hmm. I got to think twice. I just don't want to spoil the good impression you have for him =)

It's been more than 4 years I haven't gone out with an opposite sex. And this very special friend of mine, is totally not a guy you can think of. Because, I think there's a hope or a wish, Idk, that has come true not being realised. And that is, I always believe that a girl always needs a gay friend who is of the opposite sex of course. Because this is always a perfect match if you're looking for a best friend forever, or a person whom you would share your problems. (Of course, this only applies when your boyfriend can't help you much OR, you don't have a boyfriend) 

Basically we did nothing much. Just a movie that no one knew what's it all about. Killing? Murders? Assasination? Threats? Terror? Pain? Blood? Awefulness, definitely. Btw, it's the Driving Angry. We both THOUGHT it would be a comedy as it sounds. But we were so wrong = =
And shopping at Popular. But by the time it's the end of the movie, it's almost 10 and the complex is closing. I just got to glance through a few pages of those magazines. That's all.
After that, it was sushi time. Wow. I loved salmon so much. Can't live without it.

Mum, dad, I'm almost 19! I know it's not good to return home after 11. But I can't just go home without having a light dinner. And the traffic was congested. I honestly don't know why on Earthe there were so many vehicles on the road. It took me 20 minutes to reach home.

Have I offended you? If so, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it. But I just can't tell you yet, that you don't have to worry because we aren't potential couples. Anyway, it's impossible. I can't possibly date with a gay, okay? But he's a very nice friend to have. And I'm always very grateful that someone is so willing to share his stories, whether it's a problem or an interest or a story. Whatever. It's good enough when you realise that you somehow appreciated as a friend, as a listener =)




 

A good day =)

6.30 in the morning and my ringing alarm clock dragged me back to reality from my sweet dreams. I guess I didn't make any nice dreams but I was in a pretty good mood. What a wonderful beginning of the day!

I don't feel any weight in my eyelids. (What a description~ but that's the fact) 

I walked to the kitchen, switched on the radio to the 98.8 channel, took out the new bought packet of chicken frankfurters from the fridge, boiled the water, heated the cooking oil and toasted 2 pieces of Gardenia whole grain bread -----breakfast for my brother to bring to the school. I always like to do so. 

Listening to the radio and doing things that I always wanted. This is the chance because I have no school so that I can do whatever I've been looking forward for ages. And even if I feel a little tiredness in my eyes, I don't feel like going to bed again because I'm totally mentally-refreshed! I have great momentum. I have lots of things that I'd like to accomplish.

I wake up and prepare a tiny bento for my brother, sometimes prepare breakfast for Dad and myself, sometimes prepare lunch for Dad to bring along to the office when he's on diet. And I'd brush and clean and shower. I'd read the newspaper, switch on the radio and the notebook, listening to the soonest released song while updating myself on Facebook, my little blog and so on.

Emm....Actually that's what I always want to do in the morning. The fact is, I'm still not reading the newspaper everyday! I can't believe why this happens because I'm so free now. Okay, I'm going to start today =)

The Stars and Sin Chew. Ym, you don't have to read from the first page to the last. But you have to know what's happening around me, around my country, and around the world. I need to know that because literally I'm already a 19-year-old young adult. I'm not going to be any other else on Earth so I'm not going to do what I like but what I'm supposed to!

Next, check out the application status on Hong Kong University. I really hope I'd be accepted =) 

Also, plan the itinerary of Taiwan trip! Must be completed soon.

Emm... Scour the website of Manipal Medical school =)

Read the newspaper!!! Okay, this is a promise.

Dream huh? It's not going to be a dream.

See? This is what I want. Wake up in the morning, first thing feel the breeze and the warmth of the sunlight . And I won't get back to sleep for any other excuse because I 'd be totally mesmerized by the view right in front of me.

This is what I dreamed of at night when I couldn't sleep well.
Listen to the continuous sounds of the lively waves and feel the warmth of the winds under the soothing sunlight.

I wrote that before, indoor sunbathing, remember?
 I've been dreaming of this one over and over again. Because I really love this so incredibly much. It's too gorgeous. Indescribable.

Wake up in the morning. Served with red Versus or Lucas or whatever red wine. Appreciate life with my loved ones, if there's one.

Gorgeous. Wonderful. Amazing. Mesmerizing. Tantalizing.

Look at the transparent roof. I'm going to dine under the beams of the soft sunlight, whether it's sunrise or sunset.
I'd just lie down at the patio. And appreciate life, celebrate life in tranquility.

Jacuzzi while appreciating the scenic view of the ocean. How wonderful. Life's more than beautiful =)

 Feel like you're dreaming? Emm....No you're not. I love swimming. So it would be frantically fantastic if there's a swimming pool at my house =)

Hah~ I said this before too. My dream one =) Bathing in a tub and appreciating the nature right in front of your eyes.

I love wood. I love nature. It gives me a sense of nature... too much artificial nowadays.
I love huge windows too. 

Big house. Big swimming pool. Big patio. 

I'm going to need this one. Wooden. Neat. It's just too fantastic.

A lot of the time I always picture my future because I care a lot about my life. 

I want to be a doctor. I don't care if it's kind of selfishness because I always see myself working in a hospital or helping people in poor countries because I feel great doing that. And I always want to live a better life. Better environment. Things like the designer house, luxurious cars....these are one thing. But don't be confused I'm not looking for a materials. But to upgrade my lifestyle to the one that's always in my head, those are the very significant elements. So the point is simple : I'm going to work hard for life. My life. People's lives. 

Wanna freak someone out?

21/2/2011 6.25pm

I sat on the driver's seat on my mum's white Harrier for the first time. Trying to reach for the accelerator pedal, I gripped on the steering wheel, adjusted the position of the seat, the mirrors and and started the car engine. And unbelievably, mum's sitting right beside me on the passenger's seat, and I was going to drive. I guessed mum would be freaked out a lot. And I was totally right =)

Well to be honest, I have to admit that I am not good at driving yet. After all I have only learnt driving for less than 10 hours in a fortnight. And I only drove a Kancil, an extremely small car, manual. Harrier is totally different. Everyone knows well. It's much bigger, longer, power-steering......much expensive. How could I drive as relaxed as I was before? And the thing is, mum's sitting right beside me, staring at my every move and that was the first time ever driving a Harrier.

The whole practice took less than half an hour. But I thought it had already been half a day. And mum was like screaming like hell all the time. I was driving at less than 20 Km/h  along the housing estate road but was accused of driving too fast. In my mind I told myself that it would take a much longer time than I expected to the day when I can drive confidently on the road. I mean on bigger road when mum doesn't have to sit beside me, screaming.

I thought of the day when I drive after a decade. I will have been a much better driver by then. And I think I would think of this day, the first time ever, when mum sat beside me, guiding me how to drive a car. Surely she was more freaked out than I was. And I was thinking that if you want your mum to get an heart attack, or live a shorter life, it would be a good idea to drive when she's sitting beside you. Emm.... Well of course this is a joke, a lame one ;)

Yea. I'm going to do much more practices. I'm not going to freak her out anymore. Hope that everything would be much better the next time I do it =)

Rain Man Official Trailer

This is one of the best movies I've ever watched. It's more than a thousand times better than those Korean's.
I cried in my vocal cords. And bleed in my heart. Life's so incredibly full of emotions. It may be awful. But it's definitely can be indescribably wonderful.
Life's amazing guys. Love your life. Live your life =)

wanna be a drummer-at-home

www.onlinedrummer.com

I've been scouring this website. Thanks to it =) I'm now learning drums on my own. Geez ~ this is fun!

Things to do next

I've been living more like a human these last 3 days. Learnt quite lots of new things. And I'm going to keep myself occupied with meaningful tasks.

Tomorrow : ( Exactly it's 10 minutes later)
Start scouring The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Thought it would be a fantastic novel with background of the 60s in the America. Would be informative.

Practice driving more practically. Have got my driving license yesterday. I look gorgeous in the pic on the license.

Work out on the itinerary. Taipei trip. Would be much fun. And I'm going to make it the best vacation ever. Best wishes~

Practice the violin. Although my poor 1st and 2nd fingers aren't completely recovered from allergy, I have to get my fingers on the strings. Miss the melodious sound of my babe.

Do homework from the dressmaking teacher. =) Mdm. Fong. She's a nice teacher. Kind, friendly, knowledgeable, reasonable......so far so good.

Yes! Next accomplishments. I'm going to gorgeously work 'em out.

accomplishments =) dz.....

Watched 3 idiots. The best Indian movie I've ever watched. Life-changing. Very meaningful.

Finished My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, finally. Very impressive novel. Life-changing. 

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Recently I took up dressmaking lessons. I find it rather interesting. Making clothings of your own! How gorgeous. I've never thought that one day I'd be able to do so! And now I'm learning it! 

I signed up for percussion class too. Specifically it's just a basic class of learning how to play drums. And I truly love that. I always admire people who can play drums. I love the rhythmic beats more than the melody produced  from the piano. And I always wish that someday I'd be on a stage playing the drums confidently. Well actually I did that before. It was in Singapore where I helped my friend, as a drummer who was part of the accompaniment. Pretty funny. Because I didn't know how to play the drums honestly. Hah~ But it did happen that I was on the stage playing for the rhythms. How unimaginable.

I always think that guys who can play the drums are very charismatic and very attractive. 

I love the bass drum most actually. But the combination of the high hat, snare drum, bass drum, several cymbals and the floor tom is still the best. The powerful and very rhythmic beats are like fire building my energy up. They always push me and make me move forward in life somehow. That's why I like playing the drums. It's always gorgeous.

free day

I've just experienced free day. I wonder if there's such a phrase in the dictionary.

Simply free day means a day that I don't use my own pocket money when I'm supposed to.

This morning as early as 9.15am I'm at new town, 1st floor of Yohan Confectionary. There's a dressmaker institution which I didn't notice at all before it. I signed up for the class and had been there for 4 hours or more for the first time. The teacher, who's also teaching in my mum's school is very nice. I don't know in what sense that I think she's nice. She is a very soft person. She's passionate to life. She's not so business-minded. Well, personally I think she is such a person after 4 hours of some chatting. And everyone else there pays RM60 for a 2-hour class for four times in a month. And I'm getting a 4-hour or more class in one day. I'll be there too tomorrow. And I didn't pay for it. I'm supposed to pay for the 1st time especially when the teacher actually said that she doesn't matter much about the time I take because I'm going to leave for my future studies soon. But is that the reason or it's just an excuse? Because she knows my mum and my mum is a teacher in the school where she's teaching too? And because I'm my mum's daughter she is supposed to treat me like this? Well it's no big deal obviously but it's just that I feel pretty funny. And I know about the world of realism. So there is NO free meal. Is there other reason for this? I'm always thinking a lot.

And at 1.45pm the cab that my dad called for me had arrived so I left. The teacher asked me why I leave so early. Gosh! How can she have said this? It's already four hours and I'm not paying any fees. But honestly I feel so because my eyelids are too heavy to carry on for another hour.

It was the first time I greeted the cab driver. Well in Malaysia it is considered as extraordinarily weird. Malaysians don't greet when they think they are the ones who pay for the service. Well I greeted because that  cab driver worked at the same place as my dad's. So for the sake of my dad's reputation I did. It's no big deal too. But then that's the first time I've seen such a well-mannered cab driver. First time ever in my life time in Malaysia. Is he really such a nice person? I doubt. And for sure he did that somehow because it's related to my dad. Gosh~ And because I'm my dad's daughter I'm treated this way. And I was thinking, why did he do so? What did he expect to get from my dad? I can't help much. And my dad isn't the boss of the cab company. Eventually he insisted that I do not pay for the RM10 fare. Gosh~ What on Earth is happening? I was thinking.

I actually did insisted that I pay him and quickly I did some explanations but it was useless. I faster closed the door of the cab and entered my house. And guess what? He kept saying No No No...Your father has paid me. Doubtless that 's a big lie. And he stuffed the money to me when I'm actually already standing in the house and the auto-gate was closing.

Gosh~ What could I have done? I just can't be picked up for FREE. What's the deal? I was thinking. Because no way he would have done this if he has no other intention. Did I think excessively?

.................Honestly, I DON'T KNOW.

It's scary but nice. How ironic!