like insomnia

Do you make your own dream when you experience Insomnia?

I always dream when I can't sleep well.

Often I picture the dream house of my own. I need nothing and do nothing but close my eyes and start off the journey to build my own house. 

I often see my house sitting on a mountain, overlooking the deep, blue sea. I don't need much lighting in the room because all the walls are see-through glasses with sun control and anti-heat absorption function. So the entire house would be very bright and warm. I'd open all the windows throughout the day. And all that I could hear is the splashing of the waves onto the rocks by the cliff. The sea is so blue and mesmerizing. It is so wide and enormous that I can never see the end of it. The horizon is unclear. The sea and the sky are blent perfectly. 

There is a bathroom sitting in the middle of the bedroom. It's transparent, even the long bath. Everything in the bathroom is snowy-white. Lie down on the bed and as you put your finger on the remote pad, the roof will change into a transparent one. If the sun is not strong, I'd switch that on. So that if I don't want to get too much sun but I'd like to listen to the breeze, I can do sunbathing on a bed. How wonderful.

As the sun sets, I would sit on a couch in the patio which is right in front and along the side of my bedroom. The sun sets North East in the direction of my room. And I'd appreciate the moment it drowns itself beneath the sea. How wonderful. At the patio section which is on the other side of the house, there is where I have my dinner. I have dinner right after the sun sets. And as the sky dims, I'd have the candle lit. And it would be another romantic night for me and my lover, if there's one.

I take a deep breath. The breeze is as cool and as fresh as always. I would sit facing the sea if I'd like to taste the saltiness of the sea breeze. But if I need some fresh air, I would lie down on the grassy land in front of the patio where I have my dinner. Lie down, I look at the dark sky of the shy blinking stars. They are more than a billion miles away but there are always shinning to Earth. And I would always wonder that the light that I see may already be more than a million year old. But it still reaches my eyes. How gorgeous.

My dream house would always exist in my head. It is part of my life, whether it's in the past, at present or even in future as it always keeps me moving forward. It is the momentum of life.

I'm grateful sometimes when I suffer from mild Insomnia. Because to me, it's not a suffering at all. In fact, the dream is more than it sounds. It's my future. It's my life.

Thirst of love

Have you ever had a very wonderful dream? Dreams that you make when you're asleep. They can appear to be so perfect and so unbelievably gorgeous that you'd be influenced throughout the day.

I had a dream yesterday night. Specifically it was this morning, I guess.

I were one of the team members who were professionals for events similar to Just For Laughs. And all of us were professional actors. So we were offered a chance to set up a scene in a high school that someone were murdered, with brilliant red blood all over the place. I were still wandering why the school authority would want to do that. But that were my job so I didn't care much. It would take us several days for the preparation. And as professionals, we had to pretend that we were also the students in the school. That were only the first day.

And I remembered that I carried a very modern handbag which were silver in colour. And I even brought a hand luggage to school. It was school dismissal time and I were the last one to close the classroom door where actually all of our equipments were kept there. And when I stepped out of the classroom door, I saw an incredibly handsome guy, 6 inches taller than I, looked healthy and stout. He were a student but not one of the team. And I didn't know why but my hand just clang around his arm naturally. And we were like very good friends and he faster assisted me with the luggage.

We walked to the front gate of the school together, with our fingers crossed. And without a word, we both know that we click.

And out of no reason, I woke up to the reality. And I felt extremely high-spirited even though it stroke me that it was just a dream.

LOL
Am I hungry for that? Am I thirsty of love?
When would my prince arrive at the door step? When would I meet my knight who rides a brilliant black horse?

LOL
I'm sick, ain't I?

ecstasy

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh....yea~

Met primary school guys for the first time after 7 years! Wonderful!

Had lunch at Old Town White Coffee, Gunung Rapat. Mdm. Wong Sook Cheng, our former primary class teacher was there too! Gorgeous.

Thanks brother Ze who accompanied me from house to destination by bus. Short journey but waiting of bus was annoying. It took us more than 25 minutes. And the time the bus took to reach Old Town was less than 10 minutes. Gosh. Should have walked there. But the sun was crazily scorching. Dangerous too. It's always better not to walk even there are two of us in M'sia.

12.30pm-3pm was spent in Old Town listening to stories of the old fellows. Nice though I didn't speak much. Obvious transformations physically and mentally after so many years. Felt great because most of them changed for the better.

After that Bro Ze went home. We moved to Jusco K-Box. 

K Box? Yes. And I'm practically a dumb in singing. I'm literally dumb.

There are 2 things that I'm confidently lack-confident : Singing and directions.( I could never remember the direction to a new venue)

But I still went with them. Of course I sat there. Listening only. Specifically I was just deafening my ears. I didn't feel out of place at all though. I just enjoyed much although  all I did was sitting there and rejecting the offering of the microphone. 

Of course there are reasons why I don't sing in a Karaoke. 

Firstly, I seldom, if not, never listen to pop songs. In fact I hardly ever listen to songs. The most that I listen to is Josh Groban or Celine Dion or Kelly Clarkson. But I said listen. And I'm a true dumb ass in singing. It happens that even if I've listened to a song for more than 20 or 30 times, I won't be able to memorize the lyrics. I can't even sing it aloud. Because I don't sing. I really don't. 

Secondly, I learn about music. I play musical instruments. The piano, the violin and even percussion, the drum.  To me, music is to be appreciated. Honestly, I don't like shouting of the lyrics in a box. It's ridiculous because it hurts the throat and the ears a lot. And it's some kind of irreverence to the piece of music. But I'm not offended with my friends who do this. I'm fine provided I'm not doing it. That's why I don't sing in the box because most of the time it's not singing but shouting.

................................................................................

Yea :) I'll keep to what I'm doing.

Is this better? hah.

No idea.

Have you heard shit?
No. You won't probably know. Because you haven't heard that before.
But I do. And I just did that.

You probably have heard the best violin solo in an orchestra. But you won't go for the worst. And I'm playing the worst.
Well I admit that I don't practice the violin everyday. And obviously I'm not a talented violinist.
Every Tuesday I suffer from suffocation in the piano room. And I create the suffocation myself. Because I'm always not doing what I expected.

I love music, especially pieces played by the violin. And I love my violin. It's beautiful. And all my hopes are grown like seeds from there and all my sorrow is buried in the sound of the violin. But I just have NO IDEA why I play like SHIT. You know what is shit? You obviously don't. And luckily you don't.

It's way too wonderful to be described with words like 'shit' or even 'fucking  shit' because I know it myself that it's worse than that. All these years I've been wasting my Dad's money. Every Tuesday, every month and every year. For so many years, I've fallen in love with the sound of the violin pieces. It's growing day by day, getting stronger. But I suffer more. And I always feel like I'm going to die of guilt.

I don't know how to put it. It's just millions of times way too horrendous. That's my feeling. And for sure I don't like it. I hate it. But I love my violin lessons. Because hopes grow from there. But now, for I-don't-know-what reason, I feel nothing but struggled.

I'd say music is part of my life because since 5 I've been taking up so many music lessons but yet, I can't produce good music. I'm terrible. This is what I can conclude and actually I'm worse than that.

.....................................................................................................................................................

I can't imagine what life is without music.
I don't want to suffer like this.
I want my trueself to return. To return to the original self. I'm a good girl.
I was. I am. And I'd always be.

Things to do

It's the 4th day of CNY and I'm supposed to focus on what I've planned to do.

9th Feb
would be the last day for me to learn driving before the driving test. I don't know if I should bribe the examiner.

10th Feb
would be the day of my driving test. I really want to make it a success. Safe trip.

12th Feb
meeting my Primary school fellows. It's been ages I haven't caught up with them. In fact after Standard Six I haven't really met them. I have totally no idea what transformations they have undergone.

13th Feb
meeting Yirou who is going back to Beijing for studies soon. Perhaps we would go to Lost World Tambun, spend time under the scorching sun and get some sunburn in the water park.

................................

Emm....As you could see, there would be lots of gatherings soon and another week would be over very soon. And so much time would just be gone and finally I won't be able to do my own stuff. Well actually I have nothing much to do but I need to find some stuff to do to occupy my time, to brush up on my vocabs and to maintain my EQ or IQ or whatever. I'm going to be a nerd if I carry on staying at home doing only the household chores.

I just bought a book in Popular today. It's everything about Maya Culture, and the 2012 the year of 'the day after tomorrow'. I'm going to read it EVERYDAY and finish it soon. Then I'd read my novels a.s.a.p. Hopefully I'd do it continuously.

Novels to be raed :
EAT PRAY LOVE
PS. I LOVE YOU
THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER
THE INHERITANCE
THE HELP

keep it up

It's my turn dude.

I really don't like grabbing the notebook from my brother just to write my own blog.

Why can't you use the PC out there?
Why can't you use it tomorrow?
What do you want to do with it so secretly that you can't use the PC?
Where is your own one?

Gosh! Too many questions. But I always answer them.

Because I want to do my own things.
You've been using it for 3 days.
I need privacy.
My own one is basically damaged.

And I am your elder sister. And brother, you are sitting for your major exam this year. It's in October but time flies. You always know it. You shouldn't be using the computer anymore because New Year time is almost over. You know that, don't you?

I'm really fed up with the same questions. Just let me use it. It's neither yours nor mine. And I'm pretty sure I have more better reasons than you do to use it.

Forget about it. Just focus on your studies.
DUDE

Cristiano Ronaldo in Housekeeping Full Armani HD

Isn't that pretty hawt?!
Gosh...I just can't help looking at hawties =P

My new Signature :)

Yeah ^^ I've found a signature for my name :)

Life should have been greater

It's Chinese New Year eve and everyone LOOKED like they are busy. And I actually made myself busy too.

As so many years have passed and I've now turned out to be a grown-up lady. At times festive season doesn't really make me feel like I'm into it anymore like it did last time. But there is one thing that I will still do. And that is to be busy. Sometimes I think this is kind of ridiculous but we always don't realize it when we are doing so.

Every year all our family members would gather at my Grandma's house in Gopeng at CNY 's eve for the reunion dinner. But this year, because my Grandma is too old and too weak to be taken care by my aunt who lives with her so it was decided that she'd be shifted to the Old Folks' Home. And for some other reasons there were some arguments over I-Don't-Know-What topic which I'd say mostly they were related to the Old Folks' Home stuff. Because of this, at some point of time before the New Year's eve, a lot of things seemed so true that it would have turned out that we wouldn't have had a reunion dinner with Grandma. Personally I really didn't have any comment about it as usually I'm always like an outsider. ( I'm actually grateful of that.)

Eventually, it turned out that we actually had the reunion dinner at Gopeng with Grandma and everybody came home. Things weren't as bad as I expected. But for one thing I really couldn't understand.
A lot of times everything seemed so normal but actually it's not at all. And people look like it's usual. I can't figure out if they are merely pretending. This is what I really can't understand. Sometimes it's hard to avoid sad things to happen like somehow there would be some arguments. And when it should be over, people who are involved in it should have common-sense and just make it an end. But sadly things don't work out the way we thought they would. Well honestly I'm not really affected emotionally....Just that I'm speaking from the point of view of a third party or an outsider that I've always considered myself.

I THINK .... a lot of bad things that occured weren't intentionally set up. But most of the time it's because of  human being's behavior or character or personality.....Well I'm pretty NOT sure what that is. But I know problems don't start when people get upset with something. Problems begin only after people get mad but they don't know or don't want to get things clear. In Chinese culture this is very commonly-known as a person's self-esteem. But in fact it's the bad side of it. People are too proud of themselves and they tend to get on their nerves and pretend that others should take care of their feelings. This is honestly very ridiculous.

I can't do anything to help out sometimes. But I watch it. Like a soap or a series. And I'm pretty grateful that because of this I always remind myself to be humane. I'm using this word 'humane' because as a third party I always feel that people who are lack of humility easily make others feel that they are inhumane.

:) Anyway, it's New Year time and everything should be positive :)
Don't act. Just be yourself. Your true self. It might sometimes get things worse but it's still better than pretending that everything is fine when it's actually NOT.

Best wishes ~ May you be blessed.